Someone I love stated this recently and it has caused me to ponder… and be reminded that we women especially often feel “lack of control” in our lives.
The recent call for women to share their stories of sexual harassment and assault have flooded social media, revealing how epidemic it all is, and how many silent sufferers there have been. #Metoo
As a follower of Jesus, who even Himself submitted to His Father, I wonder what are we truly meant to have control over? What do we mean when we chant, “God is in control”? What is a realistic and Biblically-based platform of being in control? What is our responsibility and what is not, according to this life for Jesus we are meant to live? Many questions emerge…????
I am drawn to some of my favorite writers who have taught me much on this “desire” for control in this seemingly spinning-out-of-control world. The first is John and Stasi Eldredge’s book, titled, Captivating – Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.
From the accompanying guided journal…” Women learn from their mothers what it means to be a woman, and from their fathers the value a woman has.”
and
“The only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them. Words were said: painful words. Things were done; awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside us shifted. We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted a twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt.”
“The problem is that our plan has nothing to do with God. The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep distrust in the heart of God towards us. Clearly, he’s holding out on us. We’ll just have to arrange for the life we want.”
“We will control our world.”
“But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We’ll have to find a way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability. In some ways, this is every little girl’s story, here in this world east of Eden.”
Can you relate? Does this resonate? It sure does me. This has helped me understand my broken fractured perspective that affects my choices and emotions. I have been duped by my own false thinking, the “Serpent”, and the world! I can almost hear the hiss…”did God really say…?” (Genesis 3:1) My hunger and thirst for control reveals my lack of trust in our Sovereign Creator Personal Loving Shepherd God.
When I realized my propensity for self protection and distrust of God, I had to repent, which then revealed my “demanding spirit.” Ugh!
Now to highlight another author and book that changed my life: Inside Out by Larry Crabb.
“If we are to change from the inside out, then we must look carefully at our style of relating. The mark of maturity is love, and the essence of love is relating without self-protection. Change …requires that we take a disturbing look at the ugly parts of our soul. In the minds of many that look means nothing more than confessing a tendency toward impatience or a sometimes critical spirit. Others resist a look at the inside ugliness, preferring to think more about struggles than sinfulness. ‘I don’t have enough self-confidence. I’m just so insecure. Why am I such a perfectionist? I worry too much…” Problems like these generate sympathetic concern from others and an almost heroic self-pity in oneself. The exposure of sinfulness, on the other hand, provokes conviction.”
I confess I didn’t like the light shed on my demandingness, birthed out of a yearning for some illusive control featuring the “if only”…mentality. It would hit me at times with such force that shoes would be thrown, swearing would come out of my mouth, and angry tears of frustration would seep out of eyes that needed to release the pent up ache of loss and grief. In those times I realize that I was shaking fists at God like a toddler having a tantrum. The lie or illusion of screaming for control perhaps lodged its jagged spear when I was sexually abused by a teen cousin we were visiting when I was but five. We are so vulnerable to being misguided in the formative years and then feeling shame and guilt from our regretted compliance.
However, when we are old enough to process and talk about it, we have to take responsibility for our responses in life – we must move from being victim to becoming overcomers. As Larry Crabb states, “We cannot excuse our sinful responses to others on grounds of mistreatment of us. We are responsible for what we do. We are both strugglers and sinners, victims and agents, people who hurt and people who harm.”
Self protection can come in some interesting forms. For me, one of the ways I use to self protect is to deny that I had needs, and I tried to be other people’s fixer and problem-solver. I loathed being weak, but I loved being compassionate, which my empathetic nature so leans towards naturally. It happened that when my unresolved grief and loss combined with frustrated helping efforts combined with an accumulation of personal unmet needs that the controlling demanding spirit would show it’s ugly self.
“We are a demanding people. Because we stubbornly walk right past God’s water supply to dig our own wells, we end up depending for our own survival on finding water when we dig… We demand that spouses respond to our needs; we demand that our children exhibit the fruit of our godly training; we demand that our churches be sensitive to our concerns by providing certain ministries; we demand that slow drivers get out of the passing lane; we demand that no one hurts us again the way we were hurt before; we demand that legitimate pleasures, long denied, be ours to enjoy.”
“How absurd! Can you imagine an army where new recruits give orders or companies where errand boys set policy? And yet mere people shout orders to the universe. Such foolishness is the inevitable result of taking responsibility for securing our own happiness, a burden that’s simply too heavy for our shoulders. When we assume responsibility for what we desperately require but cannot control, we irrationally demand that our efforts succeed.”
I think the breakthrough for me came while attending a large youth event in Boulder, Colorado, as a leader. The dynamic speaker, who only had use of a small portion of his lungs, spoke on the passages in Scripture talking about digging our own wells.
“For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living waters, To hew for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns That can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:13 NASB
I remember sitting alone in my room, challenged to imagine I was sitting face to face with Jesus, who is asking me, “What do you need from me?” I broke down in uncontrollable sobs realizing that I rarely took time to look at my needy heart. I confessed I had been digging my own leaky cisterns. I remember feeling such a sense of relief and freedom by simply acknowledging that I had needs and He is the source of all I need. I needed to receive His abundant grace and let the Living Waters flow, bringing restoration and healing.
“God opposes the proud who demand but gives grace to the humble who express hurt.”
More statements I have underlined in Larry’s book are such important reminders for me.
“We tend to measure someone’s love by their degree of cooperation with our plans.” Ugh!!!
“Demandingness is a serious problem partly because it rarely feels like a problem. We may actually feel stronger and more alive when we pursue our demands and rehearse to ourself their credibility…
Christian growth requires that we surface the tendency to demand. It must be identified, exposed in all its ugliness, and abandoned. Otherwise deep change will not occur.
Perhaps the first step in learning humility is to consider who it is we think must change. A demand that things be different represents an accusation against God, a charge that He’s guilty of mismanagement and negligence in His duties.
The necessary foundation for any relationship with God is a recognition that God is God and we are not. We therefore have no business demanding anything of anyone, no matter how fervently our soul longs for relief from pain. Desire much, pray for much, but demand nothing. To trust God means to demand nothing.”
Twenty years have passed since that powerful encounter, and I can honestly say that choosing to battle the demanding controlling spirit whenever it crops up leaves me so much more content, most of the time. Now when I feel an ache rise to the surface or even a sense of frustration, or even some physical sign that I am harboring some anger, I ask God to show me the loss, the worry, or the fear. I confess my desire to direct my own “kingdom” and I lay it at His feet and entrust it all to His wise care as the Good King and Shepherd. I ask for His sustaining grace and strength so that I can become more like His son Jesus.
What comes is peace, perfect peace.
His rest – Shalom.
So the cycle tends to be woundedness leading to self-protection leading to control leading to demandingness, which requires acknowledgment, repentance, and submission to He who is in control, He who is just, He who knows the big picture, He who is love, He alone who is completely trustworthy.
If this has hit any chord within you, I would love to hear from you.
If you have been sexually abused (i.e anything that made you feel uncomfortable in your sexuality), I highly recommend Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart.
May we lay down our illusion of control and choose to trust God and seek out those older and and wiser in this journey of faith to coach us offering a humble teachable spirit. Let’s choose to put the apple back and stomp the serpent on the head. Jesus Christ has provided a way back to wholeness through His death and resurrection, let’s not turn back.
Tea with Mama G . . . . 